A Selection from the comedy “The Cattleman’s Suite”

BRIARBUSH: So, my dearest Mr. Drithers, here we are at last. The Cattleman’s Suite, as requested.

DRITHERS: This place sure brings back memories. Hasn’t changed a bit. Just amazing.

(with heavy luggage in hand.)

BRIARBUSH: Don’t interrupt…. We’ve taken the liberty to stock the wet bar with your favorite beverages…

McGRUFF: …Sir…
(still holding the luggage.)

BRIARBUSH: Don’t interrupt! …plus a few food items to curb your hunger. Please feel free to enjoy yourself at the bar; it’s on the house…

DRITHERS: Well, thank you.

McGRUFF: … Sir!…
(still holding the luggage.)

BRIARBUSH: Don’t interrupt! … You are so welcome! It’s the greatest of pleasures to have you here with us again. And a great honor to host the engagement party of your most beautiful daughter.

JULIE: Thank you. Most kind indeed.

(McGruff sets the luggage down in the middle of the floor.)

BRIARBUSH: Don’t just stand there McGruff, put their luggage in their bedrooms.

JULIE: These two are mine. I’ll take them.

McGRUFF: Oh no, Miss Julie. I couldn’t allow that.

JULIE: I insist!

BRIARBUSH: Your room is the east room, miss. This direction, if you please. Let me help you with those things.

JULIE: Thank you, I can handle it just fine by myself.

BRIARBUSH: Very well, Miss Julie.

(McGruff is left with one piece of luggage- namely a very large and heavy travel locker – which he has carried on his back. Arching over, he picks it up on his back again and carries it into the Stage left bedroom.)

DRITHERS: Just set is down any old place. I’ll do the unpackin’ myself. I don’t want you messin’ with my rattlesnake.

(There is a yelp from McGRUFF in the bedroom.)

BRIARBUSH: It is such a pleasure to be able to provide for you for the few days you have chosen to be with us.

DRITHERSL: Thank you.

BRIARBUSH: Allow me to introduce Mary. She is the maid responsible for your quarters.

(Drithers kisses her hand. She is blushing.)

BRIARBUSH: We’ve appointed a single bellboy to your room alone. You’ll meet him shortly, I’m sure. His name is Hannibal. He’ll be responsible for providing you with anything that you may need, apart from that which Mary will do for you. Room service, luggage, tobacco…

DRITHERS: Yes. How nice. I’m sure that Mary will be able to provide me with everything that I’ll be needing. Such a lovely young lady.

(Blushing further.)

DRITHERS: You’re just as pretty as any filly I’ve seen in a month of Sundays.

MARY: You’ve gone an’ embarrassed me now, Mr. Drithers, sir.

BRIARBUSH: So, Mr. Drithers, if I can be of any service to you, just let me know. This hotel could really use someone like you- someone whose leadership skills are so distinct, a man of courage and money… I mean… of monumental courage and…

DRITHERS: Well, thank you Mr. Briarbutt…

BRIARBUSH: Briarbush… bush… bush. Although, if you prefer..

DRITHERS: I am sorry. I was distracted, you understand.

(Looking in Mary’s direction.)

BRIARBUSH: Of course. No need for an apology.

DRITHERS: Thank you again. We’ll manage just fine without you for a while. We’d like to be alone now.

(Holding the door open. Briarbush, McGruff and Mary begin backing towards the hallway door.) 

BRIARBUSH: Of course. That’s only natural… after such a long journey from Houston… How is the weather in Houston?… and the oil wells?… I hear business is booming… ready to expand… perhaps ready to buy new holdings?…


(He slams the door in Briarbush’s face.)

JULIE: I thought they’d never leave. Are all the residents of Dallas so mangy, or just those two?

DRITHERS: Just those two prairie dogs. They both come from Oklahoma, no doubt. All the folks in Dallas are rich.

Published by Scot Lahaie

Scot Lahaie is an American playwright living in the Midwest.

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